Chapter 13

By the end of the week, Dan had a sizeable collection of McDonald’s Happy Meal toys. They all talked to him except for one, what felt like a toy car of some sort, who Dan had accidentally offended. Generally speaking, the toys weren’t very good conversationalists, probably because as hermetically sealed fast food prizes, they hadn’t been exposed to the world very much.

Due to their insulation from the outside, or so Dan believed, they all swore like sailors.

Most of his conversations with the toys followed a basic pattern. He would speculate and theorize about various religious topics and, any time he paused, the toys would ask “What the fuck are you talking about?”

Since this question allowed him to break down his thoughts even further, and stay occupied, he was more than happy to explain what the fuck he was talking about.

Of course, by the end of the first week, one of the toys said, “Oh, I get it.”

“Um , what?” Dan asked.

“I said I get it, shithead,” the toy replied. Whichever toy was speaking had a surprisingly gruff voice.

“Oh. What should we talk about now?” Dan asked.

“How about getting the fuck out of this dark room? Did that thought ever occur to you?” the toy asked.

Dan was embarrassed to realize that escape had not, actually, occurred to him.

Perhaps I should have attempted that before I went mad, Dan thought.

“Ok, how do you guys think we can escape?” Dan asked the toys.

“Easy, we wait for them to bring your food, and run out the opening in the door,” the gruff voiced toy said.

“Well, that’ll work for you guys, but I’m too big to go through the opening,” Dan said.

“Then fuck ya,” the toy answered, and stopped talking. A few seconds later, Dan was amazed to hear little plastic footsteps walking across the floor of his cell.

“You guys can move?” Dan asked. He mentally congratulated himself on the new levels of madness he had achieved. The toys didn’t bother to answer his question.

Dan laid back on the bed and entertained himself by watching his new invention, Dark-o-vision. He was pleased with the high definition he had achieved on only his first attempt. Truly, he had captured the most vivid qualities of Dark. When he got out, he was going to make a fortune.

Eventually Dan’s stomach told him it would be lunch time soon, so he sat up on the bed to watch the toy escape. He hadn’t heard any of the other toys cross the floor, so he assumed they were watching too.

Soon enough, the slot in the door slide open, and the toy made a break for it. Dan heard a startled yell outside.

The toy had enough time to look up and yell “Oh, fuck!” before the guards boot came down and crushed it. The other toys in the room screamed in horror. The guard kicked the remains of the toy back through the slot and slammed it shut again. He then pounded on the door a few times and Dan heard him call “Don’t get funny with me, pal!”

After a few minutes of stunned silence, Dan heard the gruff voice of the broken toy say “Well that didn’t work very well at all.”

That night, or what Dan assumed was night, he started hearing scraping noises in the wall near his head. He was relieved there was a concrete wall between himself and what he assumed was a rodent of some sort in the wall.

“Fucking hell, that’s an awful sound,” one of the toys complained.

“Shut up, I’m trying to get some sleep, “ Dan said.

“Fuck you,” the toy replied.

After a few hours the scraping sound stopped. Dan slept for a while, without dreaming. He woke up when the scraping resumed. He was mildly alarmed that the sound seemed to be getting louder.

He hoped it wasn’t a part of his newfound madness. All the other bits of lunacy had been pretty entertaining, but this was decidedly not.

After a few more hours, he heard a crumbling sound and the scraping stopped. Dan hopped up and stood on the bed, ready to stomp the hell out of anything that got near his feet.

“Hey, anyone in there?” someone whispered.

The walls talk too? Dan thought.

“Who are you?” Dan asked.

“The President of the United States of America. Who are you?” the voice asked in response. Dan was relieved to hear it was the President. That meant he was just crazy. He was already accustomed to that. He was glad the scraping had stopped, though.

“Oh, just some guy. You probably haven’t heard of me,” Dan said.

“Ok, some guy, do you have a name?” the President of the United States of America asked him.

“Oh yes,” Dan said. “It’s not much, but it does the job.”

“Uh huh. Right. Well, some guy who won’t share his name, have you seen or heard the vice president?” the President asked.

“Just on TV. That was a while back though. I can’t seem to get any political news on Dark-O-Vision. There seems to be something blocking the transmission,” Dan said.

“Dark-O-Vision, right,” the president said, and paused. “How long have you been in here?”

“Oh, I don’t know. A week or so. Why?” Dan asked.

“Were you crazy before you got here?” the president asked.

“Depends who you ask. But I’ve been working hard on really cranking up the madness. It’s a good way to kill time. You should try it.” Dan said.

“Have you considered, y’know, trying to get out as a way to kill time?” the president asked.

“You know, you’re the second person to ask me that,” Dan said.

“Really, who was the first?” the President asked.

“One of my Happy Meal toys. He got crushed by one of the guards when he attempted his own escape,” Dan said. Talking to the wall was a lot more enjoyable that he’d thought it would be. Of course, no one had ever told him that a wall might think it’s the President of the United States of America. Dan admired the wall for its deep commitment to its own lunacy.

“You talk to your Happy Meal toys?” the President asked.

“Sure. They swear a lot, but they’re good company,” Dan said.

“You’re doing a good job with going mad,” the President said.

“Thank you,” Dan said.

“So how come you’re in here?” the President asked.

“I was talking to a pretty girl, and then I got grabbed and dragged away,” Dan said.

“Man, these guys are harsh!” the President said.

***

After Dan’s disappearance, Chris and Sarah decided that rather than protest, the resistance would be better served if they stayed inside, played video games, and occasionally posted to pagan message boards.

The room was a complete mess, with food wrappers and other detritus scattered about. There were clear paths from the computer, to the TV, to the couch, to the bed and to the bathroom, but stepping anywhere else was asking for a nasty surprise.

They did their best to hide their frustration and depression from one another, but Hep through it into sharp relief when he stopped by to see if they were ok.

“So have either of you two even changed your clothes in the last week?” Hep asked. The smell of people who hadn’t washed or been outside in a long time was almost overpowering.

“No, but thanks for asking,” Sarah said.

“Ok then,” Hep said. He started to ask another question, then looked around at the chaos scattered around the room and decided against it. They weren’t dead, and that was really all he’d been worried about.

“See ya,” Hep said.

“Bye,” Sarah said, not looking up from the computer.

***

“Well they aren’t going to be any help,” Hep said when he got back to the room he was sharing with Scroat and Pan. Ares and Thor had left earlier that week when they realized that there weren’t going to be any more direct skirmishes with the True Believers any time soon. The room the gods were staying in was spotless in comparison to that of the pagans. Hep, Scroat and Pan were ready to flee at a moments notice, of course.

Hep wondered if he should have mentioned that fact to the pagans, but decided it wouldn’t have done anything to change their mood. If they wanted to sit and mope in a hotel room, well, that was their problem.

The three gods, on the other hand, were ready to start beating their own heads against the wall. They were having a tremendous amount of difficulty deciding what their next move should be. Hep assumed that the True Believers would be watching very closely for the three of them around the compound, as well as elsewhere. For the time being, they were attempting to keep their heads down, and rally the other gods to resist Tim’s movement.

From time to time Thoth would pop in and update them on how the intellectual war was going. Turning people away from Tim was slower work than anticipated. Apparently a bunch of pagans claiming miracles wasn’t as convincing as they’d supposed.

On the other hand, it was doing wonders for getting more gods to come out of hiding and oppose Tim. Some of the gods were getting more attention than they’d received in thousands of years. Others were getting attention they’d never received at all. Every now and then some enterprising new pagan would find some information about a god no one ever worshipped, per se, and do just that. Generally speaking, these gods were so flattered they’d bend over backwards to help that person out.

Of course, there was the one god who didn’t appreciate it, and the best that could be said for that was at least the pagan was devoured quickly.