He stood up and walked out of his office. The room Pan was in was only a few feet away, in terms of location, but the layout of the building required him to walk down a hall, down a set of stairs, across the concrete, ground-level floor, and up another set of stairs. Two men in orange and white tracksuits stood on either side of the door to Pan’s room.
“Good morning, gentlemen,” Tim said. “How is our guest today?”
“Nice and quiet,” said the taller of the guards.
“Good, good,” Tim said. “Let’s go in and say hello, shall we?”
The shorter guard turned and unlocked the door. He held it open, and the taller man entered first. It was dark in the room, so he groped for the light switch.
That’s when Pan leapt forward and sank his teeth into the guard’s nose. The man shrieked, and tried to pull Pan’s jaws open, to no avail.
“Ged ib obb ob dbe” he yelled.
The smaller guard had frozen, stunned by the suddenness and violence of the situation. He stood watching Pan and the larger guard grappling until Tim stepped into the room and pulled a syringe from inside his jacket. He pulled the rubber tip off the needle and jabbed it into Pan’s leg.
Pan let go of the guards nose and said “Hey! Oh…” before his eyes rolled back and he fell to the floor, unconscious.
Tim turned to the two guards. The larger one was holding his nose which, miraculously, was not bleeding. The other guard was still standing, shocked, in the doorway.
“Haven’t you two ever watched TV?” Tim asked. He pulled a notepad from his pocket and began writing.
“I’m making a note to send you guys for proper security training,” he said. Then he looked up and smiled.
“At least you both learned something today,” he said. “Now, handcuff him to that chair and call me when he wakes up again.” Tim left the room.
***
Dan woke up feeling strangely refreshed, particularly for a man who’d fallen asleep face first in a bowl of potato chips. He sat up and rubbed his face, dislodging a few lingering potato chip remnants.He looked around at the wreckage of the room. There were junk food wrappers everywhere, seven empty bottles of Mountain Dew, the bowl of (now crushed) potato chips he’d slept in, a pizza box, and a lot of little pieces of paper he couldn’t identify.
“Wow,” he said.
Dan stood up and went into the kitchen. The kitchen was, if anything, more chaotic than the living room had been. There was a half-eaten block of Spam on one of the chairs. The cabinet he kept his snacks in was empty; the contents were strewn about the room.
He found a single Oreo cookie balanced on top of the faucet, and another peeking out of the fern he kept over the sink.
He then heard footsteps upstairs. They stomped over his head, and he soon heard them descending the stairs.
Sarah came in to the kitchen wearing one of Dan’s t-shirts. It hung down to her knees.
“Good morning, King of the Herbed Spam,” she said.
“Uh, good morning,” Dan said. He stared at Sarah, wondering if maybe he was still high.
“Um, did we…” Dan began.
“No! God, no!” Sarah said, crossing her arms and taking a step back. “I’m wearing your t-shirt because something – I don’t know what – something struck you funny when you had a mouth full of mountain dew and French onion potato chips. I’m just waiting for my laundry to finish.”
“Oh, ok,” Dan said, relieved and disappointed at the same time.
He opened the fridge and checked for milk. Good, he hadn’t drank it all, at least. He put the milk carton on the counter and went to the cupboard he kept the cereal in. His Apple Jacks were gone, but he still had plenty of Frosted Mini-Wheats.
“You want some cereal?” he asked Sarah.
“Sure, thanks,” Sarah said.
They ate, and Dan marveled at his sobriety. He liked how the room kept up with him when he turned his head. That was nice.
He had just finished his Mini-Wheats when he heard a loud ‘POP’ in the living room.
“Good God, Dan, did you smoke all that weed last night?” Hep asked.
Dan and Sarah looked at each other and ran to the door between the kitchen and living room.
“Hi guys,” Hep said. He looked around at the mess surrounding him. “Jeez, you two sure know how to party.”
“H-hi, Hephaestus,” Dan said. “Did the sacrifices stop rolling in?”
“Pretty much. So are you going to introduce me to your friend, or should I assume my reputation precedes me?” Hep asked.
Sarah stared, and her jaw worked up and down a few times.
“This is Sarah. Sarah, Hephaestus,” Dan said.
“Pleased to meet you,” Hep said.
“Meep,” Sara said.
Hep cocked an eyebrow, then looked back at Dan.
“Look Dan, I’m not too good at this whole ‘Fear me for I’m huge and godly’ thing, so could you two drop the fear and awe? Just for me?” Hep asked. “Get in here and sit down, I need to talk to you.”
Dan and Sarah went into the living room, cleared the wrappers and trash off the couch and sat.
“Where are all the sacrifices you had last time, Hephaestus?” Dan asked.
“In my garage. Where the hell else would I put them?” Hep answered. “Look, Pan has been kidnapped, and we need some people who, y’know, aren’t gods to go in and get him. Guess who I have in mind?”
“Meep,” Dan said.
“Close enough,” Hep said. “Look, Pan is being held by people, ok? It’s not like I’m asking you to go through Hades on a skateboard and bring him back. It’ll be easy. The people who have him are dumb.”
“Wait, if Pan is just being held by people, can’t he get himself out?” Sarah asked.
“Nope,” Hep said.
“Um, why not?” Dan asked.
“Let’s just say his potency ends at being a fertility god,” Hep answered.
The buzzer on Dan’s clothes dryer went off. Dan and Sarah both jumped.
“So are you ready to go?” Hep asked.
Once Sarah had dressed again, Hep grabbed both of them carefully, but firmly, and told them, “You’ll probably want to close your eyes for this.”
***
Scroat was napping on the couch when Hep, Dan and Sarah appeared in the living room with a loud ‘SNAP.’He looked up briefly, said “Oh, it’s you,” rolled over and went to sleep again.
Hep looked at Dan and Sarah half-apologetically, and said “My roommate. Ok, here’s the deal…”
Hep led them into the kitchen and explained what they needed to do, and drew a map of how to get to the compound where Pan was being held.
“How are we supposed to get to this compound?” Dan asked. “We can’t walk that far.”
“I already thought of that. Come this way,” Hep said, and led them to the garage. When he opened the door and went into the garage all the sacrifices stacked up along the wall began to move around, as if they were excited to see him.
“Be quiet, and stay still,” Hep said, and everything settled down again. Sarah looked at Dan wide-eyed. He shrugged.
“I guess that would get kind of annoying,” Dan said.
In the garage was a white Ford Econoline van. Hep opened the passenger side door and pulled out a couple of red tracksuits and threw them to Dan and Sarah. They looked at the van and the tracksuits, then back at Hep.
“Well? Put on the clothes and start up the van. I’ll be back in a second,” Hep said. He went back to the house, woke Scroat up, and marched him out to the van.
Dan and Sarah had changed and looked very uncomfortable in the tracksuits.
“We’ll ride in the back, out of sight,” Hep said. “Let’s get moving.”
Soon enough they arrived at the dirt road that led to the compound. Hep and Scroat hid themselves underneath a couple of tarps in the back of the van. Dan swallowed as they approached the gate.
A man in an orange and white jumpsuit came out of a small guard house, smiling and waving. He opened the gate and waved them through. Dan drove into the compound in disbelief. Was it really going to be that easy? His paranoia level rose higher, and he gripped the wheel harder, certain they were being led into a trap.
There was only one large building inside the fenced in area, so Dan drove the van up and parked it just outside a loading door.
“Now what do we do?” Dan whispered to Hep and Scroat, who were crawling out from under the tarps.
“Now you and Sarah bring us inside and tell someone we’re supposed to be put in with Pan, only you guys don’t know where that is,” Hep said.
“Are you crazy?” Sarah asked.
“Isn’t that pretty fucking obvious?” Scroat asked in return.
Dan and Sarah got out of the van, and opened the side door. Hep and Scroat let themselves be led out of the van and into the building. Inside, they were amazed at the open space in front of them. The building must have been a factory or warehouse before it’s new owners took over. Across the floor, on the other side of the building, they saw two men in orange and white tracksuits standing outside a door near the top of a flight of stairs. Dan and Sarah led Hep and Scroat over to the stairs, and up.
“Hi guys,” the taller of the two men said. He had nasty, tooth-shaped bruises on the sides of his nose.
“Hi fellas,” Dan said. “We were told to put these two in with Pan.”
Dan felt the sweat running down his back, and hoped he looked more calm than he felt. Sarah was doing everything she could to avoid hyperventilating, certain they were going to be killed any moment.
“Sure thing, guys,” the tall guard said.
Hep and Scroat glanced at each other. The second the smaller guard had unlocked and opened the door, Hep and Scroat grabbed the guards and kept them in headlocks, with one hand over their mouths to keep them from yelling for help.
“Pan, get out here,” Hep stage whispered. Pan came to the door, initially wary, then overjoyed. He stepped out on to the landing, and Hep and Scroat shoved the guards into the room, shutting the door and locking it. Hep pocketed the keys.
The five hustled down the stairs and back towards the car. They heard the guards pounding on the door of the room they were locked in, and hoped they could get out before anyone else came along and noticed them.
In a matter of seconds, they were back in the van. Dan quickly pulled away from the building, until Hep scolded him.
“Drive cool, Dan, we’re not in trouble yet,” Hep said.
Dan slowed the van, even though his heart was racing, and they approached the gate again. The same guard came out of his hut, opened the gate, and gave them a cheery wave.
They drove through the gate, and on towards freedom. Dan saw the guard closing the gate behind them.
“I can’t believe it was that easy,” Dan said.
“Fucking amateurs,” Scroat said and laughed.
“Nah, they’re just a bunch of rule-followers who would never expect a anyone to be a rule-breaker,” Hep said.
***
Hep, Scroat, Pan, Sarah and Dan were back at Hep’s house before anyone noticed Pan was missing at the compound.
After the embarrassed looking man in an orange and white tracksuit finished telling him the news, Tim had to take a moment to compose himself.
He turned back and smiled. “We’ve learned about a flaw in our design. This is a good thing. Thank you for telling me.”
The tracksuited goon hustled out of the room, amazed at how well Tim had taken the news.
In his office, Tim’s smile turned to a grimace. He was going to get his revenge. He was positive.
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